There is calm in this craziness

Life has been pretty crazy and unexpected lately. The things that I can add to my "things I've done in my lifetime" list are so diverse and random.

It's been a lot of shows lately. Lots of new music discovered. Lots of new activities and personal social experiments. Lots of new perspectives. Lots to soak in and learn about myself and how I react.

I've been thinking lately about how I think I'm shaping my life in one direction, and I get completely sideblinded. Sometimes for the worse, but even more beautifully, sometimes for the better. Sometimes it's small moments when I look at where I am, who I am, what I'm doing, what my philosophy and perspective on everything is... and it's in that moment that I realize that I'm proud of WHO I'VE BECOME.

Don't get me wrong, I've made TONs of mistakes. I'm not perfect. But I guess the reason why I'm proud of myself is because I always pick myself back up. If there's one thing I've learned about myself in the midst of this craziness, it's that I will always, inevitably, and unwaveringly SURVIVE.

I've been betrayed by those closest to me. I've been lied to by people who believe the lies themselves. I've been pushed down to be told that I will never be capable of getting back up. I've known what it's like to be so fragile and about to break.

...But I don't break. I don't crumble. I don't shatter.

I'm not sure what's next, but I'm sure of who I am.

This Past Week

Lately I've been going out so much and going to shows that I haven't really had a moment to just sit and be.

I have the next 15 minutes. Here we go.

Last weekend I went and saw the Joy Formidable. Mind blown. Hearing/seeing/experiencing "Whirring" and "Abacus" live was extraordinary. Gaurds opened for them. They were pretty spiffy too. 

Then we went to festival of colors at the Holi Krishna temple. SO FUN! It's an Indian tradition of spreading around bright colors to celebrate spring and new beginnings. It's fun to think about the chaotic unknown that we embark on each spring. We got covered in color. It took 3 times shampooing my hair to get it all out. My car is still covered in a tie die dust.

The other night I went to see Minus the bear up at Park City Live. Such a fun show. The openers were Envy Corps and Everest. I thoroughly enjoyed both to the point that I had to remind myself that these guys were the openers and I was originally there for Minus the Bear. I absolutely love when bands feel the most alive when they are on stage performing and feeding off the crowd. Everest was definitely that band.

Minus the Bear was an experience. Not the craziest performance, but I was into it. I especially loved when the keyboardist in effort to express his intensity, started rocking his boards... Like literally moving his boards back and forth off the stands. Shaggy hair and all.

One band that keeps popping up on my pandora to the point where I just need to pay attention already is Band of Horses. Good stuff.

Part of me doesn't want to say this, but I'll just put it out there. I've decided to start writing again. Moleskin journals and all. It's time for my insomnia to be put to use and to explore more coffee shops downtown.

Stoked on life/music

A new chapter of my life has begun. It feels as if everything is new. I'm living life right now for ME, without care to what others think. I have to admit that it is quite liberating.

Everything is new. I have a new car, new job, new place to live, new friends, new music, new experiences... the works. Everything is so fresh that I don't quite know how to react to it all.

New music I've been listening to... I just picked up the new album from Japandroids. It's happy music that has this indie vibe with a little bit of raw rock and roll. Loving them right now.

I also picked up the new album from the Black Rebel Motorcycle Club. Good stuff. It feels so real and garage-y. I'm excited to dive into the lyrics with them. The guy at graywhale said that their last album was, hands down, his favorite that year.

As for shows, I'm hoping to sneak into Imagine Dragons tomorrow (fingers crossed!). I've been dying to see them, but they are always sold out. On the other hand, I will definitely be going to see The Joy Formidable next Friday with a friend who's flying out from back home. STOKED. Also, Minus the Bear is coming out to Park City on the 4th.

However, Dillinger Escape Plan will be putting out a new album soon (the first song they released sounds amazzzzzing), which I'm excited for... but there is one thing I'm bummed about.... THEY AREN'T COMING TO SALT LAKE CITY ON TOUR :-( wtf guys? come back to the depot and melt my face off for the evening.

Airports

There's something magical about airports.

Think about it. Everyone is leaving what they know to embark on some new adventure. That or they are returning from their adventure, forever changed as a human being. It symbolizes growth and knowledge and self discovery. At least it does for me.

I love zoning out to music and the lyrics that mean so much to me. I could doodle and write and wander until I discover something that I didn't know was inside of me. Once you discover this secret about yourself you surprise yourself. I'm sure I sound crazy, and maybe I am. It's fun to be crazy sometimes.

Advice

One of the best pieces of advice I've ever been given was this:

Don't let other people's decisions influence your decisions.

In the end you need to live your life in a way so you get your fulfillment and accomplish what YOU want and need. Don't let others hinder that or sway you.

It's a lot harder to live by than you think. It's so easy in our culture to blame others for our circumstances.

If you strip away every influence in your life, what is left? Would your decisions be different?

Vague

I never saw myself here. It's been a weird week. A Lot of realizations all in a rush, all at once. I'm not sure what I want to say if anything at all... I guess this blog is just for sorting out thoughts, it's just so scary that its so public, if anyone actually reads this thing ever anyway.

A lot of songs lately completely embody how I feel... I'm not going to reveal those either, but that's why I love music. It's helped me in my darkest times and illustrates perfectly how I feel when I can't express it. Music has been there for me even when everyone else has bailed. Musical lyrics are my life. I can pinpoint so many turning points in my life from a single song.

As vague as this post is leading to be, I will say that I feel a page turning. I feel I'm getting smarter and starting to move forward into the life that I want. Change is painful, holy crap is it painful. Change means dealing with whatever issues (good or bad), facing them head on, and meeting them with action towards jumping over that hurdle.

I'm not sure what else I want to say. Just that life is quite unexpected.

Drumroll, Please!

I have some great news!!!

Drumroll please.......

{................}

I am going to be the Boutique Manager for Francesca's Collections located at the Gateway!!!!

I'm so excited to take on this new position. I have so many ideas and have been reading up on all of my business books to feed the creativity. 

Wish me Luck!

Stop It

I came across this quote today, and I thought it very fitting for what things have been like lately...

I love how simple and true this is. Just stop the hate. But somehow we find it harder to do. We as human beings need to remember that we are all facing our battles, we all have things testing us. We need to remember that we don't know everything the others around us are going through and to give them the benefit of the doubt. Everyone needs kindness. 

It's a simple math equation if you think about it..

X + Y = Z

HATE + SITUATION = MORE HATE

LOVE + SITUATION = MORE LOVE

...And if you think about it from a point of view where others are tearing you down, obviously you can't control what others do or how they act. In that situation I would use this equation:

HATE + LOVE = OVERCOMING HATE

So now when I hear talk starting or any type of negativity being spread, this will be the face that pops up in my head:

New Music Lately

Last night Jon and I went up to Park City to hang out and catch some good, old-fashioned live music. We used to go to smaller more intimate venues all the time, so it was great to revisit the uncrowded feel of being up close and personal with new artists.

Music Is Life

One of them that I was impressed with is New City Skyline. They have a fresh feel. Check them out, I have a feeling their going to get big. They remind me of early lifehouse with a touch of cartel. Usually not my first picks, but it was still refreshing.

And of course, I have to mention the Lumineers. No I did not see them in Park City last night, but we did pick up their album (like I've been planning on for too long) so we had something to listen to while driving around. They have some hits like "Ho Hey". Sweet Mountain Music.

A Dash of Mint

I really appreciate interior design. It's one of my favorite things to explore. When I was younger, I rearranged my bedroom about 5 times a month. I would buy my own bedding and decorations. I would tear up and create my own bed canopies and make my own art installations with my bikes.

Sometimes when I am bored I look up creative ideas and color palates. Lately I am just LOVING mint green. I love how fresh and new I feel when I'm surrounded by it.

take a {peek}

 Don't you love the mint with coral and blue/grey? GORGEOUS!

 I ABSOLUTELY love ruffles. They are so feminine and light. This would make a great set of curtains or a throw blanket :)

I love the mixture of GOLD and mint with a touch of warm brown. PRETTY!

Aren't these doors AMAZING?!? I love how intricate they are, and of course the color.

 Ugh, I love it. so fresh and clean :)

Happy Things

Here are a few things I've been obsessing over...

This thought:

An oversized skull  sweater:

This "Tea" Rex. I bought him. His name is Reptar :)

Francesca's Boutique

These drumstick pencils for the husband. He's always drumming...

Francesca's Boutique

Pastel lacey cheeky panties for nights in :)

Victoria's Secret PINK

This UHHHH-MAZING tea. It's Mate with cocoa and nuts. Heaven!!!

Mate Vana at Teavana

This "I love mustache" sweater <3

Forever21

This OWL design 

These adorable SHOES!!!

bookLOVE

Let's be honest. I'm a real introvert. I force myself to be more outgoing. Friends at work act as if I'm lying when I tell them I'm truly an introvert. But it's true.

You see, my favorite "me time" is a hot bubble bath and a good book. Sometimes cuddling with my kitty. Like I said. INTROVERT.

Lately I'm reading a series that I'm embarrassed to admit to. I'll just call it brain candy. Because even though I understand there is no real substance that makes me rethink life or philosophy, it still sweeps me away into a story.

But even though these stories sweep me away, a little piece of them will always be apart of me. The characters that I relate to teach me how I want to treat people, what hobbies I may want to adopt, the type of person I want to be. 

I remember my first favorite book that I re-read over and over again when I was in 1st grade. It was "Matilda" by Roald Dahl. He became my favorite author and I went on to collect his books. The imagination put into his books taught me from a very young age that nothing is impossible. 

I truly, madly, DEEPLY LOVE books :).

If you ever feel like the world is too much to take on.... open a book and escape for awhile.

Something Beautiful

I think I've found my breakthrough.. I was thinking to myself how I really had nothing to say for a post today. I had no words. I felt no inspiration and all too much inspiration at once.

Impossible, you might say? Well It felt like sensory and art overload. I have been soaking up things that inspire me like a sponge, but I keep knocking myself down because I somehow feel I'm not capable of creating and giving that inspiration to others...

And then it hit me: I just want to create something beautiful.

And I'm officially going back to school in summer. I'm so excited! I find confidence when I feel like I know what I'm doing and I think that's the rut I've been finding myself in when it comes to art, design, creation. I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. Now I can use the expertise of professors, and have clear intention behind what it is that I wish to create.

I'm not going to tell you my major yet. This is a discovery process and it will come in due time. But I do have direction and purpose now.

So just sit tight little lovely.

The sun is about to shine much brighter ;-)

Doodles

I remember when I was in school when I would just doodle my name in all sorts of fonts. I bought a few blank moleskins and started doodling again today. Since I've had trouble with writing I figured I'd doodle it out...

Then I figured I would play with different quotes. Eventually I'll add color.

I guess I'm looking for a breakthrough. I can feel it's going to happen soon.

Brave

So the other day I was kind of having a weird "What-am-I-doing-with-my-life?" crisis. I've been sort of anxiety ridden since.

I've been making a list in my head of my fears, hoping I'll find the root of what's really going on in my head. I know some people are scared of being successful.. To those people I say,

"Really? That's what you're afraid of??? Cry me a river..."

I could make a list for you of what's scaring me:

• I'm scared of failing. Being completely horrible at whatever I want to be good at.
• I'm scared of being lied to, continuing through life with people around me that don't tell me the truth.
• I'm scared of trusting people for the above reason and fear.
• I'm scared of being fat (hey, I'm still a girl)
• I'm scared of not going anywhere in my life, working a dead end job.

But in the end I'm still just standing still.. where do I go from here?

I normally don't go on whining. I do have a plan in place and I do have things in the works. I am still scared, but I need to try.

Just out of sheer comfort seeking tendencies, I think I'll watch Brave tonight. I love her. She's wild and crazy and she reminds me of my younger self when I used to race against the boys... and beat them :).

I miss the feeling I used to get when I felt fierce. When I felt confident and I felt unstoppable. I've always been determined, stubborn, and hard working. It's worked and it's gotten me to survive through the hardest times. I feel like the disconnect happened since that determination wasn't fueled towards something I was passionate about.

Now I ask myself, If I could change my fate... would I?